All this pain
I wonder if I'll ever find my way?
I wonder if my life could really change at all?
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come up from this ground at all?
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
Oh, you make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
Making me new
You make beautiful things
(You make me new)
You make beautiful things out of the dust
(You are making me new, making me new)
You make beautiful things
(You make me new)
You make beautiful things out of us
(You are making me new, making me new)
Oh, you make beautiful things
(You make me new)
You make beautiful things out of the dust
(You are making me new, making me new)
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
My Life in a Nut Shell?
Where I’m at now…
I feel like everything good in life is so unattainable. Why is it so hard to have a relationship with God and why is it so hard to have real relationships? Why is it so easy for people to betray you and yet it’s impossible to betray people who hurt you? Why am I so socially handicapped? Why is Life so hard? I always have so many questions and no answers. I love God. I want a real true relationship with Him. I want a real true relationship with people. But … how do I get there?
The substantial relationships I’ve had in my life are as follows: My dad, My immediate family members, My best friend in HS, My ex-boyfriends, and My daughter. That’s it. No more, no less. And with the exception of my perfect daughter and my dad, I’ve been so incredibly hurt by each of those people. Some more than others, all forgiven (and rightfully so). I haven’t always found real relationships so hard. Why do I now? And trust? You can just throw that right out the door. Its practically not even a word in my dictionary. Insecurity on the other hand is my constant companion.
Where I was then…
If you go back to my whole HS experience, before AND after my dad died, I was a genuinely happy person. I had friends, not many, but good ones, and I could love you and trust you and be loyal to you and expect that in return even if I didn’t know you. I remember my freshman year in HS one of the “scary” sophomores had pulled me aside and told me that she didn’t like freshman but I was just too nice and friendly for her to me mean to and we were friends for the next 7 years. Where did that part of me go? Why did it go and how do I get it back? Of course I’ve heard all of the “well, you’ve been through a lot‘s” and the “me too’s” but I cant help but be human and feel like going through what I just call life … or death if you will, isn’t an excuse and hearing someone else talk about it like they know anything about what I’m going through is just irritating. In other words, I’m not and will never blame my social retardation or my disconnection from God on my dads death. I don’t know much, but I do know that I am the problem not my life’s experiences. But how do I change me? How?
All I want, all anyone wants in life is to be happy and feel loved. I know that God is the answer, but how do you put that into action? you know? You or I, I guess, can talk the talk all I want, but if I cant feel anything it doesn’t really go very far now does it?
Where I want to be…
All I want is to be a good mom to Victoria. I want to be a good wife someday. And a good daughter and sister. I want to please God and my family. And as much as I’d like to think that I can live life without friends, I don’t think that’s how God designed me, or anyone for that matter. I don’t want to find my confidence or happiness in partying or meaningless friends and people. I’m sick of wasting my time on people who don’t care about me and so I don’t trust anyone. Where is that line how can I have that kind of discretion and how can I make everyone including myself and especially God happy?