I find that if I just don't pay any attention to the fact that he's gone that it makes it go away faster. It's the only thing that helps ease the pain. I usually trick myself into thinking that milestone days like today are just like any other day and force myself to not even entertain this unremitting grief . My thought process being it is just another day so why force myself to be upset when this could be a totally fine day. But the truth is, I do get sad on these days. They're really hard for me. And none of this is meant to take away from my relationship with anyone else, honestly, but the relationship I had with him was unlike any other. He was the only person in the entire world who understood me. We thought the same. We were the same. We were a team. My teammates gone and he's never coming back and it breaks my heart every single day. Still, and I learn to just push it out of my mind because people don't like talking about death or sad things. And if I don't it consumes me. I don't even waste my time thinking of the reasons why this could have happened anymore, I do still blame myself, but I don't waste my time thinking about that anymore either. Whats the point? No matter how guilty I feel and no matter how much I try to make sense out of all of this it's not going to bring him back. He's gone. Forever.
I just miss him. It never goes away and It never gets easier. This April 29th at around 11:30pm will be 5 years! How have I lived five years without him? How will I live even one more with out him? I need him. He was my rock and my hero and my best friend. He would do anything for me and I did evrything, I lived my life for him. All I ever wanted was to make him proud. Gosh what would he think of my life now!?
I had a dream one time that he was alive and with me. He came back to life and saw the way everything was in all of our lives and it made him sad. But the fact that I was able to talk to him even in a dream was everything to me. I woke up crying and spent I don't even know how many nights after that praying, begging God to just let me have another dream, just to see him one more time. It never happened and eventually I just gave up all hope. The biggest regret I have in all of my life is that night. I was the only person who could have changed it. I was the reason he was in that place at that time and now me and my entire family have to go through the rest of our lives without the most amazing man in the entire world. All because of me. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "It's not you're fault" so if you ever plan on saying it to me please just save your breath, please. It doesn't make me feel better. I know it's the "truth" but it's not to me, and thats just something that no one will ever understand.
I have never really sat down and told anyone that's not some kind of shrink all of this stuff. I didn't really see the point. I guess I still don't. What is the point? It doesn't do anything for anyone. It's not encouraging. It's definately not happy. All it does is make everyone pitty me or the situation or whatever. Or it just makes them sad and think about it when they were having a totally fine day. So whats the point of this you ask? I really dont know. Well ... save your pitty, please lol but I guess it's just to be honest more to myself than anyone. But ... I have been pushing everyone out of my life for so long that I'm left with nearly no one. So maybe there's some honesty for the rest of the world for once coming from my direction. Anyway I guess thats about it. enough moping for the next five years. Time to go put that face back on and push all of this right back to the back of my mind where it belongs. But I do know one thing for sure, It, well, He will always be at the front of my heart.
Happy Birthday Dad. I love you. I miss you. I'm sorry.