I had so many hopes and dreams when I was young. I still have hopes and dreams. I don’t know why I just can’t seem to escape this feeling of being lost. I go to church week after week and I pray and I go to college group and I try anything and everything I can to feel close to God and it just never seems to happen. I suppose I’m really the only person who followed that train of thought though lol, let me break it down for you. The reason my “hopes and dreams” tie in to the lost like feelings and going to church well for one is because I just came from church and I’m currently feeling lost. Like I do every Sunday. and for two is because when I see people there, people I know, its so dumb that I feel completely awkward and uncomfortable. I feel like I can’t worship or people will think I’m weird, I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin it’s seriously retarded. No one there makes me feel that way. I love the church I go to and I love what its about I just cant seem to get past this barrier of mental retardation that I’m suffering from.
Tonight the pastor was talking about tithing and giving what you have to God and I just feel like I’m missing something. Something HUGE. But I cant for the life of me figure out what it is. What I got from the whole message is that if you tithe and give your all to God then you’ll have a better life. But, that doesn’t sound like everything, I know that there was so much more than that. At the end he asked what do you want the rest of your life to look like and of course the part that’s supposed to be the most encouraging part where you like commit to giving Him everything you’ve got is like the most discouraging part for me because I feel like I’ve done that before and I’ve been trying on and off for like almost a year… and nothing.
I hate knowing the truth and knowing all of the greatness I’m missing by not knowing God the way I want to. I’m so over all of the bad crap. I’m over hurting more than anyone can imagine. I’m over awful guys, I’m over being used by friends and boyfriends, I’m over feeling like I’m not worth anything because people told me (and treated me like) I’m not for so long that I cant get it out of my head. People think I’m joking when I say that I’m done with partying and guys, but I’m SO not. I could go the rest of my life without another drink or hit and it will still be too soon. And the same goes for guys lol, not really, but you know what I mean. I had the highest of hopes when I was younger about the man I was going to marry. I was so set on not even kissing my boyfriend until our wedding day lol look at me now … single unwed working mother. Apparently I kissed a boy…
Where did it all go? I have never and will never be the girl who blames any of my mistakes on “the things I’ve been through” I made my own bed and I’m definitely laying in it now. I will never EVER regret Victoria in any way shape or form I love her more than I love my life, times infinity … plus 3 and I think the reason that I even care so much about any of this has more to do with her than anything. I want to be happy so I can show her what happy is. I want to be confident so she can be confident. I want to know God so that she can know God. I want a man who treats me right so she knows how men are supposed to treat women. I want so many good things for her and I feel like I’m failing her by not being who I know I was made to be and setting the best example that I possibly can for her.
I suppose that’s why I’m moving. I need to figure out how to be that woman instead of this little girl that I’ve been for far too long. I just wish there was some kind of straight up answer for all of this that I could just miraculously be in love with God. but there isn’t so I suppose ill just keep trying and figure the rest out later.
Thanks for caring enough to read my nonsense lol
Christie