The Stuff I Ponder Late at Night

I can’t wait for the day that my blogs are more encouraging than discouraging. I feel so sad and so out of place all the time. I am constantly feeling let down by people and like there is no point to my days. I go to work and I try SO hard I give all of my energy and put so much effort into doing that best job I can possibly do and want so badly to make everyone happy and same thing when I go home. All I want is to make sure Victoria has a great, fun-filled, happy, safe life. I want to please everyone and I want to make everyone proud and I feel SO much pressure to do or don’t do certain things from every direction in my life and all I want is just to be happy and love God and for Tori to be happy and love God. I just don’t understand why that’s so hard.

I’m so excited to move and have a fresh start. I absolutely love my family and work more than anything and I’m going to miss my mom more than I can probably even fathom. But I’m still so excited just to be able to make my own way in life and to not feel like anyone is expecting anything out of me for the first time. I can’t wait to go to a new church and have a new community and just live life with Victoria and my sister.
I’ve made so many mistakes in my life and done everything the polar opposite of the way I planned. I can’t wait to get to a place where no one judges me for where I’ve been or what I’ve “been through” or the bad decisions I’ve made.

I hate that being myself and trying to do the right thing seems to hold me back in certain relationships. It's so hard for me to share certain things with people, harder than any of you might guess, since I share so shamelessly (or at least it seems) on here. But believe it or not, there is still so much more I wish I could get out and so much more I wish I could say but I don’t. In fear of being rejected or hurting people or offending them. Which is natural I think … you have to think before you speak in life lol. I still wish I could just not care sometimes though … I wish everyone could honestly. I think that’s why I get hurt so much. I try so hard to be honest and real with people about how I feel and my expectations. I try so hard to communicate with people, friends, family, boyfriends, co-workers, and yet somehow I either hurt someone by being honest and then they hurt me in their response or option 2 (which seems much more common) no one else seems to know how to do that in the first place.

That’s why I’m so grateful for this one friend I have right now. I don’t know what I’d do with out her. I feel like we don’t even have to try. She never makes me feel like I’m stupid or like the way I feel about things is wrong. I can pour my heart out and never feel judged and when she says she’ll do something or be somewhere she does it. And she’s honest. What else could I ask for? Other than a man who would do the same thing … and more lol.

Sometimes I sit here and think that I would really like a boyfriend. I know that’s not what I need right now or what God has for me right now and if I wasn’t me the advice I would give myself would be to be patient and get to know God and myself a little better before I start going down that road again. It’s just so hard to see all of these people who are so in love and have a man who loves them unconditionally and takes care of them and they do the same for him. It makes me sit back and wonder, why wasn’t I good enough for that? and not just with Tori’s dad but any boyfriend I’ve had and any friend for that matter. I try so hard to take such good care of people and I’m left hurting more times than not. How nice would it be to just have a partner like my parents were? Nowadays that seems impossible.

Well anywho I suppose that’s all I have for tonight, hopefully for the week too, I let my mind wander for far too long sometimes lol.

Thanks for caring enough to read my nonsense!

Love God, Love Each other
Christie